The Sad Saga of Mr. Peanut
1
Mr. Peanut was a larger than life character. He seized every day, and took no prisoners. He lived life by his own rules. The years that followed his fall from power at Planters Peanuts® were painful, not just for him but also for his close friends. It is always hard to watch a friend self-destruct before ones own eyes.
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Unfortunately, his departure from Planters Peanuts® in a cloud of controversy (accusations of sexual harassment, investigations of insider trading and other shameful allegations) left him an angry man. He took out those frustrations on those around him. He took to the bottle; he started fights without provocation. His life really started spinning out of control. It was only a matter of time before this bad behavior would cause him even greater troubles.
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After a night out on the town with ladies of ill repute, he would come home and be abusive to his loving wife. It came as no surprise that she would soon decide to leave him. She had taken years of abuse, neglect, and his strange appetites. There is only so much a good woman can take before she has to let go. She divorced him and took everything.
4
Life on the streets was hard for Mr. Peanut. He was a proud man, and often refused charity. The homeless shelters provided no haven for him. The constant taunting from the other homeless people in the shelters sent him into a deep depression. They made fun of his shell, asked him why he didn’t get a real pair of glasses instead of his silly monocle.
They stole his cane.
5
This was one of the hardest times in Mr. Peanut’s life. The once decisive leader of a giant corporate empire had been reduced to a drunken hobo. He spent his days in an alcohol-fueled stupor, muttering to himself and rarely bathing. He tried to forget the lifestyle he had lost. He lived bottle to bottle and waited for the sweet embrace of sleep or death.
6
He survived on fortified wine and whatever food he could find in trash dumpsters. He supported himself through petty cons, shell games and small time thieving. He sold aluminum cans, and foraged the alleys and dumpsters for anything of value he could find. While scavenging one day Mr. Peanut found something that would change his life, and provide his ticket off the streets. Mr. Peanut found a guitar.
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That guitar changed Mr. Peanut’s life. Now that he had an electric guitar he could follow his lifelong dream of starting his own punk band. He created a demo tape, and before long record companies were offering him contracts. His first album went to the top of the charts. Fans loved it; critics hailed it as one of the greatest albums ever. He had made it. He was truly a rock and roll guitar legend.
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Mr. Peanut took to the rock and roll life style like a duck to water. He lived every cliché about the life style you can think of. He trashed hotel rooms and had orgies with his groupies. He experimented with any kind of drug he could get his hands on. His appetites were huge, and he was always looking for the next great high. He was a brilliant flame, and he believed that he was destined to go on forever.
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The world was his oyster, and it seemed that any request or desire he had would be fulfilled. His desires often took dark turns. He could get any woman he wanted, but he would frequent the prostitutes on the street. He never forgot his time living in the streets and it seemed that he took a perverse pleasure in using the same street whores who taunted him so badly when he was down and out.
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As it so often happens, all his sudden success went to his head. With all the yes men and sycophants around him telling him what he wanted to hear he began to feel there was nobody he could trust. He started hitting the hard drugs to dull the angst. He spiraled down into paranoia, and became a recluse. He spent hours alone in his private recording studio, strumming his guitar and crying silently.
11
One day he had an epiphany. The Beatles had always been something of an influence to him, and at their peak they sought the help of a guru. It seemed to work for them maybe it would work for him too. He searched for a spiritual advisor, and finally found a guru that seemed to have all the answers. He devoted himself fully to his master’s teachings. It came as a shock to Mr. Peanut to find out that his guru was really only a con man. He took everyone’s money and took off, leaving all his followers broke, confused, and feeling spiritually violated.
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With the stellar failure of his second album Mr. Peanut was promptly dropped from his record label. He had lost it all. His fans had grown tired of him, and now ignored him in droves. His once successful music career was over and nobody cared. The only work he could find was in the adult entertainment industry, doing cheap porn flicks. He did a few dozen “amateur” videos and some legume fetish reels, but this last downturn was just too much for him to take.
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On a beautiful summer day when everyone was out enjoying the sunshine, Mr. Peanut hit bottom. He went to the basement of the flophouse where he was staying and took his own life. His passing is sad. He never realized how many friends he had, and how many lives he touched. In his despair he just couldn’t see any reason to go on. His true friends, the ones who were with him through thick and thin, will never forget him. He had so much to live for, so much love to give. I’ll miss that nut.